Bald is Beautiful

During my treatment, I blogged about my experience with being bald (Bald... and Loving It!).

Recently, as I was fast forwarding through commercials on my Tivo, my eye caught the image of a beautiful bald woman. Of course, I had to stop and go see what it was about.

It was a Bristol-Myers Squibb commercial about ovarian cancer. The woman named all the things that were beautiful to her as she recovered from cancer. The commercial spoke so directly to the way I felt when I was recovering that I was inspired to go see out the commercial. In doing so, I discovered this amazing woman's website: Bald is Beautiful. I was also inspired to send her an email thanking her for sharing her story and to share a little of my own.

I was hoping to find a version of the commercial that I could embed in this blog entry, but that was not the case. Instead, you can view it here on the Bristol-Myers Squibb website.

I encourage you to watch this commercial because she so eloquently states exactly how I felt about my cancer. And, oh yeah, bald is beautiful.

Surreal Becomes Real... and Nipple Casts

Yesterday, when I went in for my surgery, I made an interesting observation.

Most people are uncomfortable in hospitals... which isn't surprising because they're not really the most comfortable places to be... not even for the patients. Or maybe especially for the patients.

Hospitals are generally very sterile-feeling places... for a reason. The first being, of course, that they should be sterile places, and they want you to both respect and appreciate that fact. Strangely, the sterile, clinical environment helps you feel more at ease in a situation in which you are very vulnerable, both emotionally and physically.

Although the staff are generally complete strangers, they behave as if they've known you for years. I'm sure this behavior is designed to accomplish a number of goals: (1) hopefully, it helps you feel a little more comfortable in a stressful situation, (2) you're most likely going to get naked in front of them at some point, so it probably makes you feel more comfortable doing so, (3) it helps them earn your trust, (4) it's kindness.

This intimacy with strangers in a sterile environment makes the entire situation feel very surreal and, in some ways, very unreal.

But, when you spend a lot of time in hospitals, the strange becomes commonplace and familiar. I didn't really realize that until I went in for surgery yesterday. It's been a while since I've had to go in for anything, and all of my treatment last year was at the Ann Arbor location. But yesterday, I went to the Saline location for surgery. And, even though I'd never stepped foot through the doors of that hospital until yesterday, it was all very familiar.

And, suddenly, the familiarity was strange. After spending a year visiting the hospital on a bi-weekly, then daily, basis, I had become comfortable with the surreal. I felt at home in the situation. The surreal had become normal.

I just wanted to share that because I guess I was a bit surprised by it. The truth of the matter was that the experience had become familiar and normal a long time ago, but I only noticed it in a place that I had never been before. Interesting.

Anyway, I was also able to observe my surgery. I was awake for the entire procedure and wasn't even given a sedative. I was given local anesthesia and that's it. I learned that my doctor likes to listen to Sting while he's performing surgery. That was good for me, because I like Sting too. I'm sure Sting isn't the only music he listens to, but it was the CD he chose for my surgery.

I didn't really watch my surgery all the way through. It's a little bit disturbing to see someone cutting into ou and to see the blood, but not feel any of it. So, I only glanced down now and then to observe his progress. It was really fascinating to see how he reconstructed my nipple though. It looked really natural!

I can't wait to see them when they're healed. Right now, they're covered with bandages and a "nipple cast." When I saw my doctor constructing something to protect the nipples while they heal, I named them "nipple casts." He used syringes to make them.

Using the picture to the right as an example, he constructed these nipple casts from a syringe with the plunger removed. He cut the end of the syringe off at about where the red line is on the photo. Then, he placed this tip over the nipple and used steri-strips to secure it in place.

Yes, it looks a little funny at the moment, and I've discovered a couple of tricks to more or less hide this under my shirt. But walking out of the hospital yesterday, I have to admit that I felt a bit like Madonna.

Nip it in the Bud, Part II

Due to some problems getting my insurance reinstated through COBRA, this surgery was delayed. Instead, it will take place Friday, June 22.

Basically, the company handling my COBRA benefits didn't have my previous medical insurance information on record. My previous employer had to re-fax that information to them, so now everything should be in order.

Nip it in the Bud

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything to this site since I've made my full recovery, but I'm having some outpatient surgery coming up and thought I would share.

When they did my reconstructive surgery back in January, they didn't give me any nipples or pigmentation. That comes after you've recovered fully from the surgery. So, for the last few months, I've somewhat resembled a department store mannequin.

But on June 12, I'm having outpatient surgery to create the nipples. This is quick procedure and shouldn't take longer than an hour. I'll be awake and chatting with my doctor for the whole thing. I'll receive a local anesthetic. The surgery is basically going to be him twisting a little patch of skin and stitching it together to form each nipple.

Basically, I think it will be like getting stitches when you have a deep cut... except without the initial pain of the cut. After a couple of weeks, I'll have the stitches removed and... wa-la... nipples.

Once that has healed completely, then I'll go back in and get the pigmentation tattooed on. Once everything heals, my breasts will look (and feel) completely natural except for the scars. The scars are going to take a while to go away, but in time, they will fade too.

I recently met with my plastic surgeon to schedule the surgery and he hadn't seen me in a couple of months. It's always good when a man lights up upon seeing your breasts. In his case, though, he was lit up with pride at the superb job he did on my breasts. And, that felt pretty good too. Because when your doctor is known as "The Breast Man" at the hospital for which he works and he's excited about what a good job he did on your breasts... well, that's a very good thing indeed.

I am also excited. I'm very happy with new, healthy body. Not only is it cancer-free, but I now have a flat tummy and two perky breasts. Life is good. :)

Cruise Control

Wow. It's hard to believe that I'm standing on the other side of my treatment.

Almost exactly a year ago, I noticed something strange about my left breast. Shortly after, I was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer... a terrifying diagnosis. I remember the fear I felt when the diagnosis was confirmed (somehow I already knew). But, I also remember the peace and confidence I felt after meeting with my oncologist for the first time. I knew when I walked out of that appointment that everything would be okay.

It took a little while for okay to come. First, I had to endure several months of chemotherapy. But I was lucky. I never got sick and even the fatigue was fairly minimal. I felt the effects of chemo the first couple of days following each treatment, but after that, I felt pretty normal.

I even got used to the hair loss and felt perfectly comfortable walking around bald. In some ways, it was even liberating. It cut about 20-30 minutes off of my morning routine because I didn't have to wash and style it anymore. But, after my last chemo session in July, I was looking forward to getting my hair back.

In August, I had a mastectomy. I elected to have both breasts removed rather than risk going through this again. And, as terrified as I was going into the surgery, I always knew that was the right decision. This was the first time in my life I was going to have major surgery, and I have to admit the prospect scared me. It was the first time since my initial diagnosis that I was scared.

When I woke up after surgery, it was with relief that it was over. But since I had absolutely no awareness during the time I was out, it was also with a sense of, "Well, that wasn't so bad." Within a few weeks, I was recovered and back at work. I thought it was going to be difficult to see myself without breasts, but I found that wasn't so bad either. For a while, I even considered skipping the reconstruction. But, in the end, I decided to go forward with it.

In the meantime, I went through several weeks of radiation therapy. My only discomfort was a topical one in the area being treated. It was like getting a severe sunburn. And, although my treatment ended in November, my skin is still tanned in the area.

I even went back for two more rounds of chemotherapy, just in case. It was a decision based on the fact that they had found some live cancer cells in the breast tissue and lymph nodes removed during my mastectomy. I didn't want to take a chance that it was spreading to other areas of my body, so I decided to have a little extra dosage to make sure that it is really out of my system. My last treatment was January 5, and my hair is on the brink of growing back. I have a few fine, wispy hairs there now, but I can see the dark hair just below the scalp getting ready to come back.

Right now, I'm nearly recovered from my reconstructive surgery, which took place January 29. Although I expected a much more difficult recovery, I found that recovery has been a breeze. With the exception of an aching back (as a result of not being able to straighten up completely during healing), I experienced almost no pain whatsoever. My entire medical team has been amazed at my recovery and how quickly my incisions healed.

Today, I met with my oncologist, and I officially have entered the "maintenance phase" (my words) of my recovery. I still have a couple of things left be done with the reconstruction (nipples, for instance), but it's all out-patient surgery from here. Beyond that, I will be taking an estrogen-inhibitor called Tamoxifin to help make sure the cancer doesn't come back (it likes to attach itself to estrogen).

There is now no longer any evidence of cancer in my body and my blood counts are good. From here on out, I will be seeing my oncologist and my radiation oncologist, alternately, every three months. I'll see my oncologist in the spring and fall and my radiation oncologist in the summer and winter. This will continue for a few years. I won't be tested any further unless something happens that causes us concern. So, at this point, it's kind of like cruise control.

So, I made it. I'm officially a cancer survivor. I'm happy and grateful... and I'm ready to give my focus to something else. So, with that in mind, I will be posting less frequently on this blog. After I'm fully recovered from my surgery and my hair has come back, I'll post an "after" photo. I may also occasionally post information about breast cancer, but, for the most part, I won't be posting to this blog very often.

However, if you want to keep up with what is going on in my daily life, feel free to check out my other blog: My Stream of Consciousness.

I just want to send out a thanks to all my friends and family that have been there for me throughout this process. I also want to send a thanks to everyone for their prayers and positive energy. I know there are plenty of people out there that I've never even met that kept me in their prayers and sent me positive energy. Thank you... thank you all.

Post-surgical Update

I'm home recovering, and I thought I'd take a moment to update everyone on my recovery.

My recovery has been going phenomenally well. I haven't been experiencing much pain at all. Although I was on Dilaudid for the first couple of days, I didn't really use it much after the first 24 hours.

After they took me off the Dilaudid, they allowed me to take vicodin on an as-needed basis, which wasn't much. I came home on Friday and, although I was given a prescription of vicodin, I haven't needed to use them at all.

I still can't walk completely upright and that will take a few weeks before I'm completely recovered in that aspect, but I feel great, and I make a little progress each day.

My experience in the hospital was a little different this time because I had asked Cathy to come stay with me after I got home from the hospital rather than staying with me while I was still in. Last time, I had someone with me the whole time, but this time, I was mostly on my own. The hospital staff was incredible though.

I had a guided imagery CD that I listened to religiously after surgery. The CD was called Preparing for Surgery and was broken into three parts:

• Preparing for a successful surgery, which you listen to the days leading up to your surgery
• Preparing on the day of surgery, which, obviously, you listen to the day of surgery
• Healing well after surgery, which you listen to during your recovery

The last time I had surgery, I used the first part a great deal, but didn't use the second part at all and didn't use the third part very much. This time, I listened to the first part a little bit before surgery, but listened to the second part on the morning of my surgery and listened to the third part religiously every night ever since I had my surgery.

I really attribute that CD to how well I'm recovering. I've had almost no pain, compared to my first surgery in which I had a little more difficulty with pain. And this surgery was supposed to be the more difficult one. I think it will still take me longer to recover because I can't straighten up completely for a while, but the pain is significantly less. I would highly recommend this CD to anyone having surgery.

I also wanted to let people know that you needn't worry about disturbing me if you want to call me and see how I'm doing. I didn't get many calls or visitors in the hospital this time, although my hospital stay was quite a bit longer than the first one. I think it's because people didn't want to disturb me in case I was napping or not feeling well. I can only speak for myself in this scenario, so if you have a loved one going into the hospital for any length of time, I would recommend talking to them about this beforehand so you know how they'll feel about it. For me, I looked forward to hearing from people. The days in the hospital were long and they all bled into one another. Hearing from friends and family is really all I had to look forward to while I was there, so the days without many visitors or phone calls were especially long days for me.

And, now that I'm home, I'm doing much better and for the last few days and the next week, I will have someone with me most of the time, so I won't be lonely. But, if you want to know how I'm doing, please feel free to call me. When I'm sleeping and I don't want to be disturbed, I turn my phone ringer to silent, so you won't wake me up. And those phone calls (or emails) are the way that I know that you care how I'm feeling, so please don't worry about disturbing me. During difficult times, I would far rather be disturbed than be left alone.

Well, my laptop battery is about to run out. Thanks to everyone for your warm wishes, your prayers, and your positive energy. All of that has also played a big role in my recovery.

Thanks.

Pre-Surgery Update

I thought I would post one last update before my surgery.

It looks like everything is a go. After my low blood counts last week, I was supposed to have blood drawn today to make sure all my counts were still up. Unfortunately, my doctor's office failed to tell me that the lab closes at noon on Saturday, so when I showed up at 1:00, I was unable to get my blood drawn.

How weird is that, by that way? It's a hospital. You would think that there was somewhere in the hospital where you could get blood drawn on a weekend. I mean, the patients don't stop being sick on Saturday at noon. And, ER doesn't close down at Saturday at noon. You can't tell me that there is never an emergency that requires immediate bloodwork. So, that was a little frustrating. I did speak with my doctor this afternoon though and they're just going to run the tests on Monday. He indicated that they wanted to know whether they are going to need to do a transfusion on the day of surgery, so they're just going to arrange for extra blood, just in case. I suspect it will all be fine though.

In other, apparently not-so-related news, it appears that I have a superficial thrombosis in my right arm. In English, that translates to a small blood clot in a vein that is very close to the surface of the skin. They don't seem to worry too much about these types of blood clots. It's the ones that are in deep veins that they worry about. Those are the ones that can do scary things if they break loose. Normally, they would just treat mine with Motrin and a heating pad. Since ibuprofen thins the blood, it can help with minor blood clots like this. Unfortunately, for the same reason, I haven't been able to take Motrin for about two weeks because of my upcoming surgery. So, I can take Tylenol (acetaminophen doesn't thin the blood) to relieve the pain, but it doesn't do anything to lessen the clot itself. On the other hand, it's not getting any worse, so I'm not too worried about it.

So, as I said, all is a go. I arrive at the hospital at 11:00 on Monday morning to prep for my 1:00 surgery. The surgery is supposed to last for about 6 hours. As I mentioned in my previous post, my recovery from this surgery will be a bit more difficult* than it was for my mastectomy, and I'll be in the hospital until at least Friday, when my best friend Cathy arrives to stay with me for several days.

*I just read the blog of my friends Jason and Greta who had triplets at the end of the year. My recovery is nothing compared to the fight these three little miracle children have been putting up for the last month. They are truly inspirational!

Dave will be staying with me for several days after Cathy leaves as well. However, after that time, my friend Lori will be coordinating schedules for people who want to help out by cooking meals for me, driving me to doctor's appointments, or running errands for me. I've put my closest friends on that list as well as those of you who have offered to provide help after my surgery. (I've sent an email to each of you with Lori's contact information as well.)

Keep me in your thoughts on Monday and send me lots of positive, healing energy between 1:00 and 7:00 Eastern time. I'll be back for an update after I'm out of the hospital.