Out of Time

It's the night before my surgery and, I have to admit, I'm a bit freaked.

There's no more time left. Tomorrow this becomes real on a whole new level. I've tried to prepare myself mentally for this, but there's no way to really prepare yourself for this.

I'm nervous... not so much about the surgery. I'll be out for the surgery, and it will be over before I have any awareness of anything happening at all. No, I'm nervous about what comes after surgery. About how I'm going to cope with this emotionally.

For me, the surgery is what makes my cancer real. During chemo, I may have had a few days where I didn't feel all that great, but for the most part, that didn't alter me or my life. On the days between chemo sessions, I felt perfectly normal. But tomorrow is life altering. I will not be the same after surgery as I was going into it.

Oh sure. Mentally, I'll be the same. But, when I look in the mirror, the person staring back will be someone who kind of looks like me but is a different shape. I know that my loss cannot begin to compare to the loss of a limb, but, for all intents and purposes, I'm having a part of my body amputated tomorrow. And while it doesn't compare to the loss of a limb, it's still a loss. And, for me, it's a pretty huge loss. And I'm scared about what that will feel like when I wake up. Not what it will feel like physically, but what that will feel like emotionally.

This is the first time in my life that I've had a life-changing event occur of this magnitude in which I actually knew it was going to happen before it did. My mother's death had a huge impact on my life, but I had no idea it was coming until it happened. Technically, I knew the night before she died, when she was already in a coma, but that was it. I've had weeks and months to think about this surgery. Now that it's here, I'm definitely struggling.

Think about me tomorrow. Send me lots of positive energy. My surgery is at 2:45 (Eastern), and it will last about 2.5 hours. Take a moment during that time to stop and think of me... specifically think of me recovering and living a long life after this is all over.

I'll post an update in a few days when I'm feeling well enough. If you are on my call list, you'll hear from someone tomorrow after surgery.

Thanks to everyone for your prayers, your support, and your love.