Still Standing

Well, I've had a few days to process and absorb my diagnosis, and I'm still doing great. I won't pretend that the whole thing doesn't worry me a bit, but it's definitely not devastating me. It's not stopping me in my tracks. I think had I gotten this diagnosis 6 months ago (or longer), it would have undone me. But, today, it just is something I need to deal with and move on.

Sometimes, I think that it won't really feel real until after I've had my first visit the oncologist and have started treatment. But, then again, every night when I get in bed, I have to deal with the discomfort of having one rather swollen breast. It's not comfortable for me to lay on my left side at all in the way I am accustomed. I've had to make adjustments that are not related to treatment, but still affect me. In those moments, I know that this is real.

I don't ever forget about it. On some level, I am always aware of it. I am aware of my body in ways that I wasn't before. In that way, it's not a terrible thing.

In fact, I've already received some tremendous gifts out of this experience. My friends have rallied and provided me with a ton of love and support. That feels great. Also, I have achieved some success in living for the moment, instead of living in the past or future. I've been trying to figure that out for 40 years. I am not deluding myself into thinking that this is going to be a breeze. I know that it will be a challenging, emotional experience for me. But, I also know that I'm not afraid of it. Whatever it is, I'll deal with it.

And, in some ways, that is the greatest gift I'm receiving from this experience. That is the core of who I am. And, I haven't been that person in a really long time. Or, at least, I haven't been connected with that part of myself for a really long time. The beginning of this year was a turning point for me, in which I decided that I was done carrying around all this baggage of unresolved grief, anger, and doubt. I had already set my feet upon the path to reconnecting with the me that I've known and loved. When I was diagnosed, I came face-to-face with her.

It feels good to be back.